Mr. Scorned

Dear Mr. Scorned,

I am very sorry for hurting you. Please know that I did not mean to do so. It was unknowingly, unintentional, and the result of a deserted woman needing to go back to a time of being loved. I have not been loved properly in so long, and the addict in me was longing for a hit. While this is an explanation, it by no means is an excuse for hurting you. While I know you continuously express how this does not bother you, your actions say differently. You’re different. We are different.  And I don’t like the new you. I’d prefer the fun person who I enjoyed chatting with over a glass of wine. The one person who I have so much in common with and made me pink when I felt blue. I miss the “old” you.

There may not be any way to go back to the way we were. We may never be friends again, and I may need to learn to live without … you as my lucky charm.  But please don’t taint your beautiful soul with being scorned. Don’t retaliate for my mistake with retribution by ignoring me, hurting me, and intentionally settling an old score. I really did not think you cared. You did in fact stand me up twice, confirm how you were not ready for something real, and express how it was ok, while keeping me near I felt you also keeping me at a distance. I am not naïve and I know while you expressed this was not a concern, it was and being the proud person you are, you would never say so. But only now I see how much you did not like this.  I thought how I would feel if the tables were turned, and my stomach drops to the pit of my stomach. But the difference between you and I is if the tables were turned, I would have told you genuinely how much I cared and how much it would wound me. And with that information, I would have given you the tools to make an informed decision. But you did not give me the opportunity to make a decision with all the facts. You distorted the facts.

 I went with what I thought was my only option. Had I known you were a “real” option, a real chance of being pink more often, I’d behaved differently. I’d been a better friend. Now, I know that I don’t own your heart, so I am sure I don’t have the power to break it. But the part of it you let me get to hold and get to know, please understand I would protect it, and keep it safe.  This is why I feel the need to write you Mr. Scorned. I’d be the one person who would never let you down. For what it is worth, I am sorry… The poet and philosopher in me understands that I would have never anticipated that I would asphyxiated how badly I calculated how quickly our friendship would have depreciated, despite how beautifully I articulated, how this should be negotiated before it is separated. Can’t you see I hate it? What would I need to do to be reinstated?   Please change your name back from Mr. Scorned to Mr. Wonderful… I’d truly appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Ms. Chunked up.

Lie to Youself

Lie to yourself

London mornings, New York nights,

Eight hour flights,

Feels so right.

My heart giving the green light,

But

My brain mean, but trying to be polite

Keeps telling me it is yolk not egg whites,

No good for me,

Despite   

How nice

It feels to be loved.

But I think I got the bug bite.

Bitten by the one thing I am afraid of the greatest.

So close, I can just taste it.

I try and fake it,

I need a homerun, not a base hit.

I can’t admit… it

So I lie to myself,

Someone love me? Just doesn’t feel possible.

So many obstacles,

Voices in my head, makes my heart not audible

But walking away, doesn’t seem optional

And being with anyone else is not probable

He had me with a smile and a hello.

Ride at winter wonderland  and I know,

Without saying a word, he makes me feel beautiful,

And others have tried, but were not suitable

Playing games, being juvenile

I listened to the other boys lines, but they were not consumable

Cause they could never follow-thru

But, not you,

Irrefutable,

But I feel--- I am being delusional.

Get my heart broken again, you know the usual

So I lie to myself,

So I can get out of this moment and pop back into reality

These butterflies are just a formality,

I casually

Brush them off tactfully,

The travesty, of me believing I can live happily,

With you?

I need to call in the cavalry,

No capacity, To actually, Be a part of this family.

So I will continue to lie to myself, until I can convince me otherwise.

Protect myself from your disguise

How it feels when you touch my thighs,

See how it applies, you tell the truth and I will tell lies…

To myself…

As I am not sure I can force this sale.

I Beleive

I Believe

I believe that the size of your waistline does not determine the size of your heart, that sunsets are much more beautiful when you have someone to share it with, that love can fade but the memories never will, that chewing gum when you talk is only sexy when you are a rock star, that the grass may not always be greener but if you don’t experience it for yourself you’d never know and will always wonder “what if”, that onions will make you cry -  but only if you let them, that being able to laugh at yourself is so sexy and laughing at someone else’s expense is so ugly, that trying takes more courage than giving up, that you need to listen in order to respond, that just because you don’t understand it doesn’t make it wrong, it just means you don’t understand it, that walking in a pair of beautiful shoes that hurt is only necessary when you don’t have the confidence to walk in a shoe that doesn’t hurt, that it happens when you least expect it, that I will always have some regrets but I will never regret the lessons learned from them, that sometimes a woman would like to feel beautiful rather than sexy,  that day dreaming is nice but I’d rather live my dream, that I can’t explain what makes my heart race but if you can’t do it, I can’t ride in your car, that nothing, and I mean nothing, is better than a great kiss...

I believe sarcasm is the best type of humor, that you can’t help who you love, but you can help how you treat the person you don’t, that friendships have their ups and downs but you just don’t mind riding the rollercoaster with a real friend, that your job never really appreciates you until you are gone, that lazy days sleeping in are best with someone to share them with, that laughter is the best medicine, but love is the best cure, that you don’t understand why bad things sometimes happen, until you are thankful that they happened, that it is ok to be insecure, but remember if you don’t believe in you no one else will either, that gossip is only funny when you’re talking about celebrities, that you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else, that success  and happiness should not be measured my monetary gain but the quality of your life, that every choice you make has a direct impact on your future, that smoking is only sexy if you are James Dean, that not caring is the sweetest revenge, that jealously means you’re still in the game, that the perfect love song is one that comes from the heart, that sometimes you need to take a vacation from your  worries, that what goes around ALWAYS comes back around, that nothing, and I mean nothing, is better than a great kiss...

 - Jenny Olson

New York City, Year 1 age 23

I need a bottle of beer, and a place I can dance on the bar

Play me some kid rock, on my acoustic guitar

And just for that moment, I can be a rock star

Wink at the bouncer so he doesn’t kick me out

He likes the way I move my hips and move them about.

Loving how I attract all the boys around.

A few ladies don’t seem to like that I am getting all the attention

So in the air, I can already smell the tension

But I don’t listen

I don’t easily get intimated or threaten,

So once I drop it, dip it, and slither like a snake

Those chickens

 see their fate,

Know, standing next to me, may just be a crucial mistake

New York City, year 1 age 23

May find me in a ladies room, touching up my lip stick and blush

Holding the girl’s hair back who puking, cause she’s had too much

Of the cranberry and vodka

And shot of

Peach ciroc

My drug of choice, tonight that is…

 is the 6’4 French guy, with that death in his kiss.

Turn a good girl bad, but I don’t mind a bit.

Tight jeans, ripped at his knees, Black leather jacket

v-neck T, Abs shining through, just wanna grab it.

Got me jumping like a rabbit,

Ooh, I just gotta have it.

Says he’s a rocker,

 I asked, If I could be his first stalker?

Now there’s a shocker…

Charm him so he buys me and 8 of my girls a martini,

He asked how I look in a bikini?

Says he can eat me like fettuccine,

And worship me as if I was Mussolini,

By this time, I have had plenty

Of his game,

Getting Lame

On the other hand…

The hot chick in the corner is eyeing me down, biting her lip with her teeth.

When she comes close to me, she smells kinda sweet.

Says, she kissed a girl and she liked it.

Asked if I like to try it.

Maybe?

She asked, what’s you name lady?

With a smirk, I explain, I am… Tracey,

Dick Tracy.

As I head my way back to the VIP room to see the selection,

Idiot thinks he can get a free feel of my boo-tay,

No Way!

Mad, cause he got rejected,

Couldn’t make him my selections,

As, he did not pass the application, process

obvious,

Mommy didn’t raise no punk, So I return the favor with a black eye

While my guy , is on standby, to make him cry.

Waiting to let him know…  time to say bye bye.

New York City, Year 1 age 23

I know all the promoters so I never stand in line or pay to get in,

And I only hang with the hottest friends…

We hang with the celebs, but we have our own groupies…

Loosely, the boys call me sleeping beauty…

This is just Tuesday,

and I want to head to the Jacuzzi, make a movie.

A bit tipsy after two drinks, but sober enough not to fall for a rupee.

New York City, Year 1 age 23.

Dress fitted to my curves, so short, it barely covers my secrets.

Freezing,

Despite being dressed decent

Dress Versace vintage…

Stilettos 6 inch,

so I can stand tall enough to peep out the cuties

It’s my duty.

DJ playing my favorite song, as he gives me a special shot out from above

Blow him a Marilyn Monroe  kiss, for the love.

Drunk chick gives me a shove,

Knocks my drink clean out my grasp,

Ready to tag that ass,

But she apologizes, and gets a free pass.

In the club with shades, and this sick swag…

Good old bad girls days… where I found me…

New York City, year 1 age 23

The voodoo you do

Why do you make me nervous?

 You merciless, infectious,

Exquisite

kiss

Scent on your skin

I just want to smell you again and again

But then

I feel so shy in your presence,

Intelligent

Conversation,

Butterflies feel more like elephants

Amazement, of the embarrassment

I get

From …

gazing into your eyes, when you’re not noticing

focusing,

but still get distracted

with… your… smile

I feel like a silly little girl in pig tails,

Liking a lollipop, with scuff knees, cupcake smells

torn jeans,

while  you seem to love my caramel

skin

I try and play it cool,

like I am not impressed,

When I am actually obsessed,

First time, in a long time, a guy has made my heart beat out my chest

I guess

You do voodoo

I know I am defiant

My flower violent

Lust vibrant,

You have me speechless,

so I stay quiet

but your eyes speak loudly

despite your lips being silent

standing on my tip toes to kiss you

6’4 jolly green giant

So handsome,

but you still stay modest

Must be the

Voodoo you do

Tinkled pink by the slightest touch,

Sexual synergy

Has my sensory,

In jeopardy,

of losing my cool

but … cleverly

coins are deposited back into the treasury

As I notice

 You are nervous as well.

I act like I am not, but my body language

Is committing perjury

I certainly

Know the

Voodoo you do

I wish I had you in every flavor.

Roll you on my lips so I can savor

Your taste

You are not typically the “nice guy”

So when you do something sweet…

The curves on my shoreline,

Have waters that run so deep,

You don’t even need to try,

As anything less than your touch is obsolete

Sometimes you don’t even notice me

Or maybe you do…

There it is again, that Voodoo

Daydreaming of your hands gently gracing my thigh

My words tongue tie

A bit of a stalker as I watch you from the corner of my eye

Silly kids feeling puppy, like junior high

Sparks fly like the 4^th of July

I find myself wanting to impress you? Please and tease you?

Not like me at all,

Waiting by the phone for you to call

Not like me to wonder …

What color

Are your boxers or are they briefs?

Bite you softly with my teeth

My hunger, for your culture

Need to sleep with a pillow between my thighs

As a buffer

I suffer,

As I prefer the puncture

Skin feels like butter

Heart beating like a drummer

I am under…

Yes I hear your point of view

Having déjà vu

Hormones jumping like a kangaroo

I kick ass like kung fu

Then you get cheesy like fondue

Don’t misconstrue

Not like me to

Get tangled in

That  Voodoo

You do…
But.... I ... do...

 - Jenny Olson

The curtain has closed.

The curtain has closed.

Your performance was brilliant, even brought me to tears.

You should get the Oscar for best actor of the year.

You must have really rehearsed your lines?

Because I fell for them each and every time.

Your script was keen, no wardrobe malfunction.

Even made me believe you were up to nothing.

Mastered your tears down to a science.

President, Bush must have taken courses from you and your lying.

Niccccce, the way you covered up your mistakes, with another perjury.

Feeling sorry for you because you had no currency,

And the desire you had to change your life with such urgency.

Yawning again, cause your boring me.

I opened up to you! Laid my skeletons out, for you to see…

Opened up, so you could understand the real me.

While your pain, was just a great presentation to gain sympathy.

You just wanted, no needed, some applause.

Despite your prefect act, you still had some significant flaws.

But I still commend you, because you really had me convinced.

I am a smart girl, but, my gut said you made no sense.

But I kept quiet, trying to be a polite, audience.

So here is your standing ovation for such a magnificent performance.

I understand your script, so you will no longer be an annoyance.

Girl to a woman, See, I’m growing.

Lie after lie, without any guilt you stay shameless.

I just sit back and watch your show in Amazement.

I even believed you, when you explained the significance I made in your life.

Just wondering what would you do without the spotlight?

I fell for the propaganda, your words were just slander?

Funny thing is, why the show? What’s your agenda?

Don’t you remember?

Only artificial broads, care only about artificial objects.

Your word is what got me, your word got you the respect.

But I guess,

You are just a great actor,

but you can’t fake character.

See you later,

I see the life your choosing.

Tricked me, but your loosing.

Not even upset, I think it is amusing.

Excellent job, I’ll through the roses at your feet,

Who doesn’t love a clever cheat?

Excuse me, I mean a clever creep.

But now, the show is over, and your audience is just me.

The Play has ended, I’m leaving…

Don’t really have a reason,

But that, I just like to live in real life, not theater.

And you need to grow up, and I need a breather.

It is character that I cherish.

You, must feel pretty embarrassed,

Lies, were getting good, but you got careless.

So now you can go, don’t forget to pick up your rose.

Lie after lie, now you have a Pinocchio Nose.

Great show, now take your bow,

because now,

The Curtains have closed.

- Jenny Olson

Changes

Change

My Life has been delayed

I’m so afraid

Of letting go, cause I know

I have built my life around you

And I know I wasn’t supposed to

But I did,

As I get older, I get stronger

And I know, I no longer

Need to procrastinate

Rather re-evaluate

Our fate

Where should I be?

Maybe, just maybe

It’s without you.

You don’t even know my true essence.

Question?

Do you even know the woman whom I have become?

The magnitude, that you prefer to exclude

Without any gratitude.

And As a result, I have became an adult.

Let’s not make this more difficult,

Than this has to be, your expression… motionless

Your journey takes you north, and I’ll go west

Nevertheless

We may cross paths again

But it will never be the same

Because, I’m no longer afraid of change

And although my life has always revolved around yours

That has died out with the dinosaurs

I don’t want that life anymore.

Fooled into a illusion

This fairytale has come to it’s a conclusion

I’ve been criticized, advised, love life analyzed.

And all you can do is apologize.

While the pain you’ve caused is suffocating.

Why is this so complicating?

This time, they’ll be no hesitating.

Your suitcase is at the door

You don’t have my heart any more.

My hair is blowing in the wind.

Before all this we were friends.

But I’ve grown, 

And it appears; I’ve done it alone.

Everything else seems arbitrary,

Friendship becomes secondary, and love imaginary…

It’s scary!

But I think I’m ready for the change.

Are you?

Forcing a artificial smile,

It’s not worth my while.

Too bad you fail to appreciate my eyes.

And this may come as a surprise

But my love has been known to traumatize and even hypnotize,

Perhaps someone else will,

Or perhaps you’ll awaken, and realize you’re mistaken

For, My love has been forsaken

I pray, someday

It just won’t be too late,

 Before I can’t give any more chances, nor anymore tries.

I refuse to cry, I’m strong enough to say goodbye.

Whatever fate does decide,

I’m grateful to know I’ll be alright.

Renewal has came, and so has the rain…

And I no longer want your last name

Because

I’m no longer afraid of change…

Seasons

Seasons

Your only symptom

Is that you believe you’re a victim.

Chest clinching, soul wrenching.

take a moment…  baby…. and  listen.

To my heart beating…

Eating…

Me up inside, to see how much your smothered by lies. ..

Taking my time,

Don’t want to be another casualty of loves suicide.   

I’ve tried…

This in the past…

Didn’t get the last laugh, the laugh was on me…

I know you believe you have been healed,

But I think,

your …real… feelings are just concealed

From how you… truly… feel.

See a broken hearted, can tell another broken hearted easily…

And the fact you give me flashbacks of her repeatedly,

Deceiving me,

Increasingly,

Confirms, you are not ready …

For my… good stuff.

And I don’t mind piecing your broken.  Back, obviously.

Despite how costly,

And, I know you may feel you’ve hit the lottery…

But I refuse to be anyone’s novelty. 

Again.

In a new season…

So this needs to be undeniably, unquestionably, indisputably, irrefutably,

Something worthy…

Of me…

 letting down my guard.   

And I know it is frustrating when I don’t give you the attention you deserve.

You think, me holding back is so absurd.

Cause your “sincere” is genuine,

But me playing it safe, doesn’t mean my “sincere” isn’t. 

Your kisses are exquisite.

Just not ready to revisit.

That past.

You are so sexy and you don’t even realize how much.

I tremble with just one touch.

If I could have a dose of your good stuff.. .

As often as I’d like, it still wouldn’t be enough.

When you look at me in that way, you know I blush...

You’re such.

A good guy,

But… I am doughty,

Sweet, but a little naughty…

But this doesn’t mean you can’t trust me?

 And I am certainly…

Worth the wait…

So don’t hesitate…

I promise to take,

Good care of you.

Please just have a little patience…

I am just taking…

My time…

This moment is so sweet… I just want to breathe it in… feeling is so rare

Not ready to breathe out…  cause it may disappear…

And,  I am afraid it may end up being nothing more than hot air.

I care…

Just  got this monkey on my back…

Pride to big, stubborn to strong, cocky to real, pit to deep…

Gentleman or creep?

and it takes a lot to sweep me off my feet.

I think,

Your so sweet.

Please be careful with me… I am fragile.

And I can break easily with a asshole.

You’re fragile as well, so I am extremely  cautious…

Just want you to get over your past loses.

Too.

So… I think we compliment each other’s seasons… 

But, what happens after Spring time?

Will you be able to keep up with me? I’m quite the challenge.

Do you have room for a second princess?  It will be quite the balance. 

Can you relax just a moment and enjoy the moment? I want you to be wonderland and me your Alice.

Or will we end up something tragic…

Are your kisses magic?

Cause I fell like I am under your spell, just gotta have it.

Can we really make it past…. this season or is this just a season?

Can you really understand a sister?

Before I can enter… I need to be sure we can get past winter…

Right now it is summer, butterflies, flowers ,  popsicles and blue gum drops.

Don’t want this moment to ever stop…

Let it be, in time… we will see…

if we can possibly…

be more than a season…

until then, I am not ready to buy just leasing…